Hollz At Gym

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently! People kept telling me I had to hurry up and do a blog so here it is!

In a pitiful attempt to get into shape for my sister's wedding and get a beach body for my holiday to Magaluf with the girls, I decided to take advantage of my gym membership and actually go.

It turned out I do actually enjoy the gym. (Obviously not while I'm there - that would be faintly ridiculous) but once I go home I can feel good about myself (Until the next morning when I am in seething pain and resemble a penguin when I attempt to walk).

The gym does scare me for a variety of reasons. There are the personal trainers who roam about eyeing you like a hawk. I'm always too scared to try some of the machines because I know they are behind me laughing as I struggle with a weight that isn't 10000kg. The machines themselves scare me because they are so complicated. Whatever happened to going on a good old fashioned run? OH NO! Nowadays, you have to look like an idiot whilst balancing on a vibrating machine in a feeble attempt not to fall off. 

The reason I go to the gym mainly is not to exercise. (Those of you who know me will know that is simply absurd) but because I love to people watch. The different types of folk who you get to see at the gym is truly mind boggling.

The fitness freaks. The people who are already fit - why are they there? It is people like myself who feel as if they are being carted off to the afterlife after 5 minutes on Level 2 of the cross trainer (only rarely Level 2) who need the machines! Just leave us unfit folk to it and for the love of god, go and eat a cheeseburger! By standing there with your beautifully defined everything and your crop top and leggings you are not spurring us on, you are making us despise the sight of you and ourselves. GO HOME.

The bodybuilders.  You know the ones! Standing all together in the corner licking their lips as they approach some complicated machine and pouting as they crank up the weight to the highest it can go. You are not naturally meant to be able to do that! Their bicep is the size of my head, and my head is sizeable! They too need to calm down with their energy shakes and protein bars and watch an episode of Jeremy Kyle, i mean seriously, stop being so fitness mad, it's not attractive! Girls do not like guys who look as if they will snap you in half with a mere stare, so chill out!

The people who look like they will die. I am not being overdramatic here. I swear, there are people at the gym who are going to do themselves serious injuries - perhaps fatalities. Honest to God, some are insanely overweight, and I mean documentary worthy overweight, and bless them, they're giving it 1000% on that treadmill, but they are going to kill themselves! I genuinely want to walk over, press the "emergency stop" button and give them a slap. There's trying to get fit and there's trying to end up in A+E. Then there's the people who are scrawny and basically so thin they don't exist giving it all they can with the weights and those complicated looking machines - they are red as tomatoes, looking constipated, panting like a dog that's done the marathon. Seriously, they are hazards to themselves and it's actually painful to watch. When your face turns the colour of a beetroot, you can't breathe and every limb in your body gives way, it is time to call it a day. (I'm a poet and I didn't even know it). 

The most annoying of them all. THESE people are the people who I despise. Those people all kitted out, powering profusely on the bike, and then they try subtly but it isn't very subtly, to look at how many calories you've burned and how far you've travelled. WELL to all you sneaky fitness fanatics out there - WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED? How is it going to to affect your life in the slightest if I'm on Level 2 and you're on Level 3? What really gets to me is when you see the people who look over and see you're speed is just above theirs on say 6.2 so they go from 6 to 6.5 just to spite you and have a little mental battle with you. I AM NOT AT THE GYM TO COMPETE. I am only here to try to fit into a bikini and not be ridiculed this Summer so leave me and my Level 2 running alone!

Hotties.  These people are the reason the gym is so appealing to us females. How on earth do people manage to look good with sweat pouring off of them? Yet, there are always those people that manage! It is these people who make you want to attend the gym then you realise if you're going to find your Prince Charming you don't really want your first encounter to be when all he can see is sweat pouring from every place it can and your hair all scrapped back and greasy. Thus, the keenness to attend the gym dies a bit. Or in my case, completely. Regardless, there's nothing like a little bit of eye candy to get the adrenaline going.

The overly keen folk. No matter where or who you are, you can't escape these people. Not even at the gym. Now I'm all for curvy girls - I am one - being proud of their assets and what have you BUT not in lycra which even Tyra Banks couldn't be wearing. No.No.No. And just because you have a Nike t-shirt on and pink running shoes which apparently make you tone your bum by merely walking in them DOES NOT mean you are the next big thing. It only means you have been severely ripped off in the gym's shop. So really, the joke's on you.

Therefore I encourage everybody to get to the gym. Not just for the fitness aspect but to people watch and I bet you all that you will see one person from each category whilst you're there. (Unless you have a private gym in your house and nobody goes but you - in that case you can leave). 

If you are in one of the above categories - you should really review your life. Just kidding, you're the reason why the gym is such a great place to go - carry on being your irritating selves!